Dies Dominica xi October XXXIII

Life is anguish in this godforsaken place. No luxuries, no decent food or drink, nothing worthy for a dignified human being anyway. My strength is failing me. I recall those days of the Rhine when I was seven months pregnant, and yet, I found strength to care and tend for wounded soldiers. I even stood guard like a military general on the bridge over the river. O, that was thrilling! To be in charge of such a great force – that is what it must be like to have power and true authority as a man. I wish for that thirst for life; that drive and energy to meet life head on.

But now my body is weak and weary beyond measure. It requires so much effort even to write a portion on this parchment. Nevertheless, my mind remains clear (only I would say it has aged considerably in the years I have been on this island). Exile is no place for a woman, especially one of such breeding. Exile is a ghastly; it belongs only to men like Tiberius and his evil accomplice Sejanus – the ones who put me here.

I see it all now, why Tiberius sent Germanicus to the East, why he set up Piso (just to keep an eye on us); and how, through Piso, he crafted Germanicus’ death (O, my beloved, how I miss you so). I know Tiberius was behind everything, even in that he deceived my sons and falsely accused my friends and relatives, only because of their associations with me.

O, how I wish I could change those days….

I must stop writing now. I hear the guards coming. I do not want them to find this parchment. If Tiberius hears of it, he would make every effort to turn this horrible life of mine even worse. I do not want to give him more reason to flog me. One eye is enough.  

Dies Lunae xii October XXXIII

Life is no better today than yesterday. I have nothing to do; no energy to even get up and move. My mind alone is active – it recalls the events of what seems a lifetime ago. I think back to the time when my body was full of life, when my mind was willed with determination for victory – the victory of my beloved Germanicus. Back in AD 14 I remember the vast number of soldiers under Germanicus’ command: 8 legions in all, 40 000 soldiers plus just as many auxiliary troops. And they were all stationed on the River Rhine. A magnificent sight! The strength of the Roman Army and their power in numbers always gives me a thrill, especially knowing they are all under my beloved’s command.

Life was swell in those days. Grandfather Augustus was still alive (and if only he still were, for then I would at least be treated with a good measure of decency and respect). I remember the loving words he sent in the letter with my son Gaius to Germany. He said: “Good bye, my dear Agrippina. Keep well as you return to your Germanicus.” I have never felt so loved by any man besides my own dear husband. My grandfather, bless his soul, passed-on on the 19^th of August that year making Tiberius emperor. If only one could reverse those events and Germanicus was there instead. I would spit upon Tiberius’ ashes if only his death should so precede mine. I know now the extent to the deceit of his soul, the depraved nature of his thirst for power and his fear of loosing it that drove my beloved to an early death. Tiberius has marked my life and that of so many others. But he will not succeed forever. Although I have tried as much as I am able, I do believe one of my own sons will one-day rule that glorious throne.

Dies Martis xiii October XXXIII

The time is far spent and the sun sets on yet another day in this prison of Pandateria. Days are barely distinguishable from one another; there is nothing to mark them as different. The only things that change are the men who guard my cell and the thoughts inside my head. As the sun begins to set over the island, I remember the beautiful sight of the sun setting over the waters of the Mediterranean as Germanicus and I, with our children, sailed to Syria in the East. At the time I had little understanding as to why he was sent. Victory in Germany was on the rise, so why the sudden change to the east? But now I see. Tiberius was behind all this. He had a strong distaste for Germanicus right from the start; and Germanicus was popular. Tiberius was not.

And so we went east; because Tiberius sent us; because he had the power.

Dies Mercurii xiv October XXXIII

I never liked it much in the East. The new governor Gnaeus Piso and his detestable wife Plancina (a devoted friend of Tiberius’ mother Livia) were always a thorn in my side. Forever at odds with Germanicus and I, they counteracted and despised our every plan. Even to think of them now irks me. O, do I hate them! And why? Because they wronged us? Yes, but even more so because they killed my Germanicus! They did! With their evil spells and black magic, or whatever their darkened minds could conjure; they poisoned my beloved! Never, o never, could I forgive them for such an evil! Why, to take him from me when he was but 33 years of age, when he could have become Emperor and I Empress. O, I tremble with rage just thinking of it now.

Except there is no use for me working for that dream anymore. My efforts are now rendered useless. Tiberius stands in the way…

The sun is falling in the west and my cell grows darker. They give me no lamp. As the light fades, so does my writing. Only my thoughts and memories carry on through the night. 

Dies Iovis xv October XXXIII

Another new day, another bleak day, another day to dwell on my memories of life. And another day to mourn the loss of my beloved Germanicus. Why did he have to die? Why my beloved? Why you? Why was it you; you who were honest and true to our family and me; you who were so popular in Germany, and in Rome. Why? O, I miss you so! I wish you were here; you could take me from this dreadful place. Your greatness deserved the title of Emperor, but the evil-headed Tiberius still sits there. Old and wrinkled as he may be, he still exerts a domineering authority over me. An authority I cannot accept.

Dear Germanicus, I think back to the time you fell ill while we were in Syria. It was Plancina. I’m sure of it. You, my beloved, tried so hard to get along with Piso and her, and yet, they treated you with no respect. I thought it honourable how you paraded Alexandria in Greek dress (I might say it was quite becoming on you). Yet someone always had to criticise you, and that time it was Tiberius. You know, Germanicus, I think it was Tiberius all along. He set up Piso and his evil wife Plancina to counteract your every move, to ‘keep and eye on you’. Tiberius couldn’t trust us. I suppose he was jealous of you and your popularity.

I remember when, on our return to Antioch in Syria, you fell ill. I believe now that Tiberius sent message to Piso to have you killed. Piso and his wife, with their evil mysteries in black magic, poisoned you. Who else would have done such a detestable thing: leaving fragments of human remains embedded in the floors and walls; bits of parchments covered with spells; leaden tablets inscribed with your name, and other mystic apparatus. I should have guessed Piso and Tiberius were allies all along. It makes sense now, why Piso committed suicide during the trial concerning your death. It all adds up: Tiberius’ attitude on my return to Rome, and afterwards. He didn’t greet me like everyone else and after a few days he declared that the mourning had gone on long enough and it was high time to get back to business as usual. O, I could have rung his neck! In my grief and fury I so could have done it. But I respected your word, o Germanicus, the words you uttered as you breathed your last breaths of life: “forget your pride, my dear, submit to cruel fortune and when you get back to Rome avoid provoking those stronger than yourself by competing for their power.” You warned me of Tiberius then – if only I had fully believed and taken it to heart. But you must know, beloved, that I tried. I tried! But as you also know, my pride is strong, and I so desired to see one of our sons sitting on that throne instead of the formidable Tiberius. If only I could will myself to listen, except that would be against my nature. Grief and revenge do strange things to a person; and I had been dealt a generous share of both.

O, Germanicus, I love you so. I miss you dearly. Even after 14 years have passed my grief is still fresh. You remain my only lover, forever. My heart aches; it longs for your presence. Some day soon, I know I will be with you. The gods had dealt their cards; it is not long now. 

Dies Veneris xvi October XXXIII ... Early morning

This morning dawns grey. The sunlight is muted; it has no strength, no heat to warm my weary bones. I too have little strength. It requires most effort to sit up and write. I feel so frail, like I should be at the end of 80 years of life rather than my 46. I received no food again this morning. No sustenance. I think they wish me dead; only I don’t see why they must draw it out so long. More agony on my part, I suppose, if it pleases their darkened minds to watch me anguish in this godforsaken place.

I must stop writing now, I shall return later.

Dies Veneris xvi October XXXIII ... Noon

Again, no food and little to drink; yet I suppose this anguish is no worse than what I endured back in Rome, when I moved with the children back to Paletine Hill. Tiberius, then old and unpopular, relied heavily upon his brilliantly brutal lieutenant Lucius Aelius Sejanus (a name I spit out with disgust). I wager that he wanted the throne for himself, that power hungry criminal. He, in his deeply evil mind, determined to wipe my family and friends out. And how he hurt me in the process! I shall never let him know to what extent; he shall not get that satisfaction. I merely bury my feelings deep; later I would burn with rage.

I remember those years quite clearly, and now I see reason, although warped and perverted, in Sejanus’ actions. He warned Tiberius against me, encouraging him to see me as a dangerous threat to his throne. Yes, I suppose I may have been, but it would have been far greater to have one of my sons sitting on the throne. But I could never have murdered Tiberius off to do so; at least that is what I think now.

But he hurt and killed so many of my friends; it hurts me so. The first of my friends to go was dear Sosia Galla and her husband Silius, who was a friend and fellow soldier of my beloved Germanicus. They were accused of maiestas. Yet, what had they done?

Similarly, my cousin Claudia Pulchra was accused of plotting to kill the Emperor with poison and sorcery. But how despicable is that? She was only my friend. It now appears friendship to the Agrippina the wife of Germanicus is a crime. At this point, I could stand it no more and rose to confront Tiberius. His play in popping off my friends was going way too far. I found him worshipping a statue of Augustus. Now how hypocritical is that, to be worshipping Augustus while at the same time murdering his descendants? If he was genuine in worshiping Augustus (which I highly doubt), should not he be showing me more respect. After all, as the granddaughter of the divine Augustus, I am the greatest embodiment of his spirit. But Tiberius just looked at me with a smug, self-righteous look (I shall never forget it) and quoted the Greek line: “And if you are not queen, my dear, have I done you wrong?” O, I could have rung that old neck of his!

And there were so many other people he tried (though I see no point in granting people a trial if the end decision to condemn them has already been decided). Nevertheless, Titus Sabinus (who was set up to engage in a treasonable conversation, which was then recorded by agents of Tiberius) was accused of tampering with Tiberius freedmen and plotting against him.  And then there was my own trial, and that of my son Nero. We were all but pawns in a game for Sejanus and Tiberius. Their lust for power burned hot against us.

My anger against them fuels the fire in my soul. O, it exhausts me to think so.

I have no energy to write any longer. Maybe later. I doubt I will be granted any food today…

Dies Saturni xvii October XXXIII

The sun is setting again and I am restless. Restless for death to part me from this life. Many a wrong have I done in my life, and many a wrong have been done to me. I long for my dear Germanicus. To be in his arms once again; to be loved – O, do I long for that. To feel the warmth of love; that feeling of completeness. I would give anything to have that back. Germanicus, my beloved, I am coming to you shortly. I know I am.

Dies Dominica xviii October XXXIII

It is not long now. Tonight, I hope, will be my last. Tonight the guards will give me peace, and I can pass on, leaving the depravity of this world behind. Rome may think I am dying of starvation at my own hand, but if ever they are to know, it was not I, but they who are killing me.

I shall stop writing and dispose of these parchments. I need not have Tiberius find them. Surely if he did he would condemn what is left of my family to a similar dissolute place. My dying wish, as I pass on from this life, is that my sons may rule; that they may be called Emperor. For then true pure blood shall rule this empire once more. That is my final prayer. 

Agrippina the Elder